🐺 Alpha DOGE

☀️ March 26, 2025 ☀️

🐾 Now Let’s Sic ‘Em! 🐾

While Musk is always barking about cutting government “fat” via DOGE, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that his goal isn’t altruistic efficiency, but actually aims to self-deal and take over contracts throughout the government.

A hostile takeover of public services by the world’s richest man, with a Co-President who has a crush on him assisting at ever turn.

Here are just some of the agencies and services that Musk has targeted and in some cases already usurped power from. See which ones you did / didn’t know about, while trying not to barf on your bingo card…

• NOAA Satellite Operations: NOAA provides free, accurate weather data for defense, aviation, and the public. Cutting this lets SpaceX and Starlink sell lower-quality forecasts for profit, despite weaker safety and reliability.

• Radio Frequency Spectrum: NOAA also holds key frequencies for water vapor monitoring (which believe or not is super important, due to the physics of vibrating water frequencies which can interfere with all sorts of communications frequencies). Musk is pushing to auction off these adjacent frequencies, letting Starlink expand bandwidth while risking interference that could wreck forecasting, wireless communications, and more.

• Space Weather Monitoring: NOAA also watches for solar storms that can damage power grids, satellites, and internet signals. But Musk wants to cut this so there’s less government oversight as he builds out Starlink and plans missions to Mars. Tho without this monitoring, Earth systems—like electricity and communication—could be hit hard, and no one would see it coming.

• Space Traffic Control (Traccs): Traccs prevents thousands of satellite near-collisions daily. DOGE gutted the staff, opening the door for SpaceX to dominate satellite coordination with fewer regulations—basically controlling its own traffic lane.

• Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) Networks: FAA is updating air traffic systems and was told to divert funds toward Starlink, steering lucrative contracts to Musk over legacy providers like Verizon.

• Customs and Border Protection (CBP): CBP is testing Starlink for surveillance at the border. Musk stands to benefit by expanding military and government applications for Starlink, boosting its foothold in federal defense operations.

• General Services Administration (GSA): DOGE ordered the GSA to switch to Starlink for government internet services—giving Musk long-term contracts to wire up entire agencies with his privately-owned network.

And don’t forget these related nuggets:

• Freedom of Information Roadblocks: Musk is using lots of loopholes and legal tricks to make sure his maneuvers and DOGE schemes stay obscured, including dodging FOIA requests and other tactics.

• A Litter of Grifters: In the aftermath of a firing spree which gutted NOAA space ops, Donald Trump Jr’s investment firm purchased $50m of SpaceX shares.

Hairball. Workers Weekly DOGE Reports Bounce Back from Overloaded Inbox.

Remember this nonsense? Musk sent federal workers an email asking them to describe 5 accomplishments from the past week. There was anger, confusion, resistance, compliance, fur flying in all directions.

Well, turns out these misguided emails never stopped. Every week, the same offensive email shows up. But now this questionable leadership strategy has hit a new snag—the inbox is full.

Federal workers, who were ordered to send in their weekly TPS Reports, are now getting bounce-back emails from the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) because its inbox is so clogged with submissions.

Hey, federal workers! If DOGE ever manages to unclog that inbox and asks you to reply again, you should just forward this newsletter next time. You know, for the memes. It’ll feel PAWESOME! Promise.

Tailspin. Crashing Sites, Missing Staff, No Help: Social Security’s DOGE Meltdown.

DOGE’s junkyard dog attack on the Social Security Administration (SSA) has been dominating headlines for a bit now. But some of the ripple of effects and consequences from the cuts are starting to make waves of their own.

• Staffing cuts so severe (12% of the wokforce gone) that office managers are answering phones instead of receptionists.

• The SSA website keeps crashing, leaving retirees and disabled Americans locked out of the benefits they’ve earned.

• The Customer Service Monitoring Office was shut down, making it harder to track complaints.

• AARP is getting 2,000 phone calls a week from worried members.

• Not to mention, this will all only get worse when SSA offices start closing, reducing access even further for people who can no long call for phone assistance and must instead show up in person.

“Efficiency” is definitely the first word that comes to our mind.

DOGE vs The Mailman. Behind Closed Doors, Big Banks Plot to Take Down USPS.

There are reports that Wells Fargo is circling the U.S. Postal Service like a pack of corporate wolves, pushing a privatization plan that would gut union jobs, jack up prices, and sell off public infrastructure—all under the watch of the DOGE bros.

A leaked memo outlines how the profitable parts of USPS (packages, real estate) could be sliced off and sold, while the public keeps footing the bill for mail delivery and pensions.

The scheme includes 140% rate hikes, layoffs masked as “buyouts,” and a strategy to sneak privatization through budget tricks. Wells Fargo even floats replacing the Board of Governors with Trump loyalists to make the sabotage stick.

DOGE’s cuts have already tenderized the steak, and now the wolves want to pounce. But the memo admits one inconvenient truth: the public still loves the Postal Service. And that might be the very thing that saves USPS in the end.

Man’s Best Friends. Maryland Vet Throws Lifeline to Government Workers Hit by DOGE Cuts.

Wait… what’s this? Some actual good, heart-warming, optimistic DOGE-related news? Why, yes… yes indeed.

While DOGE has been shredding budgets and government staff, causing families to brace for furloughs and financial uncertainty, one Maryland vet clinic is stepping up to care for the actual good dogs.

Negola’s Animal Care in Columbia is launching a new program to support government employees—offering things like 15% off all services and same-day priority appointments for workers feeling the bite of federal cuts.

Dr. Salih Muhammad put it plainly: “While DOGE tightens the leash on government spending, we’re loosening ours.”

We absolutely LOVE this idea. For obvious reasons. But we also like the idea of having this kind of sympathetic support catch fire, whereby business of all kinds — restaurants, airlines, grocery stores, etc — offer discounts and gratuities to DOGE casualties.

"Trump Downplays National Security Fiasco as a Minor ‘Glitch’"
“Lock them up! Lock them up!” Oh, we’re not doing that anymore? KK. Finally responding to the super serious clusterbark where a journalist was added to a classified war strategy group chat, Trump said the breach was no biggie and just a “glitch” and that National Security Adviser Mike Walz “probably won’t be using the app again.” Probably? Grrr.

“Social Security Nominee Grilled During Senate Hearing”
Democrats grilled Frank Bisignano, Trump’s nominee to run the Social Security Administration, over chaos sparked by DOGE’s deep cuts. Bisignano—currently CEO of payment-processing giant Fiserv—insisted he’s not looking to privatize Social Security, despite his corporate background and the agency’s recent service breakdowns. Senator Elizabeth Warren remind him: “Some seniors can’t go online, can’t drive, and now can’t get help.” Meanwhile, Bisignano largely dodged and evaded the issue of DOGE… which kinda tells you all you need to know.

“Trump Pushes For Aggressive Voting Overhaul”
Trump just dropped a new executive order that would overhaul federal voting rules—tightening registration, data sharing, and ballot deadlines. The order demands proof of citizenship to vote in federal elections, forces ballots to arrive by Election Day, and compels federal agencies like DHS and SSA to help states identify “noncitizens” on the rolls. Naturally, this all feels like a voter suppression play disguised as “election integrity,” potentially block eligible Americans from voting—especially poor, elderly, and marginalized communities. Oh, and states that don’t heel? They risk losing federal funding. Expect lawsuits.

“Trump Imposes 25% Tariff on Nations Importing Venezuelan Oil”
Co-President Trump announced a 25% "secondary tariff" on nations purchasing oil or gas from Venezuela, effective April 2, 2025. This move aims to pressure Venezuela's government and curb alleged criminal activities linked to the country. Although, Trump also just delayed previously announced tariffs that were slated to go into effect on the same date, so who really knows if it’s all bark and no bite.

“Mike Huckabee Testifies at Confirmation Hearing To Be Israeli Ambassador”
Forgive us, but please oh please not this guy again! There’s a long list of reasons why this theocratic apologist, Zionist, revisionist culture-warrior, faux-folksy grifter, reactionary bootlicker, homophobic gospel-hawker, sanctimony-drenched big-government moralizer ex-Governor is a supremely poor choice for the job, but we’ll let Congressman and senior Jewish Democrat sum it up: “Huckabee’s positions are not the words of a thoughtful diplomat — they are the words of a provocateur whose views are far outside international consensus and contrary to the core bipartisan principles of American diplomacy. In one of the most volatile and violent areas in the world today, there is no need for more extremism, and certainly not from the historic ambassador’s post and behind the powerful seal of the United States.”

Well, that was a lot to chew on… Again.

So as your reward, here are a few treats.

Some doggy goodness to calm your nerves… lift your spirits… and get you through to tomorrow…

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🙌 Thanks for reading. See you on Thursday.  

🐾 And until then, do your best to stay pawsitive!